Yesterday, at work, a song played on the radio and it stopped me in my tracks. I remembered it was one I listened to a lot last summer when it dropped. And I remember because the lyrics… well, they sum up so much about how I feel about you. I read too much into song lyrics, but these ones just fit. Uncannily well.
I see the moon, I see the moon, I see the moon,
Oh when you’re looking at the sun
That bit’s obvious, no? I literally do see the moon when you’re looking at the sun. That’s just geography. Nothing to see here. Move along the bus, please.
Oh but when you’re gone
When you’re gone
When you’re gone
Oh, baby, all the lights go out Continue reading
So now it’s last year that I visited. I thought about you as the clock ticked over to midnight my time. I kissed my friends on the cheek and hugged them as the fireworks lit up the sky, and I wished, as I so often do, that you were there. And I thought about you again, eight hours later at midnight your time. Admittedly fleetingly, as I woke up hungover, but still, the sentiment was there. I hoped you were having a good New Year’s Eve. I wished there wasn’t five thousand miles between us. I wished things had worked out a little differently Continue reading
You’ve been on my mind a lot this weekend. Perhaps because it’s Christmas, and you always think of people you love at Christmas. Perhaps because Christmas means it’s almost half a year since my trip, and in a week’s time, my trip will be last year, and there’s something about that thought that I hate.
Anyway, we shared parts of our Christmases with each other, Continue reading
I just finished reading a book I started before my trip. I read it on the days leading up to my trip. I read it on the plane (but couldn’t concentrate on it). I read it in my hotel room, when you were sleeping and the time difference meant I couldn’t. Every now and then I leaned across and stroked your hair out of your face. I didn’t read it on the plane on the way home. I couldn’t. All I could do was cry. And tonight, after months of not touching it, I finally finished it. Like every month that passes makes my trip feel wavy around the edges, and not so crystal clear anymore, so, too did finishing that book, in a funny sort of way. It feels like yet another thing that ended.
The book I was reading was one of the Tales of the City series, Continue reading
So you know I can’t even look at a map of San Francisco these days.
Well, actually, I can, but it knocks me for six each time. A bit like the time back in September when I went into Gap and there were photos of the Golden Gate Bridge all over the place. All I could think about was you. I was meant to be Continue reading
Do you remember when we went for breakfast? Every other day of my trip we just drank coffee and waited for lunch, but that Sunday, we got up earlier and went for food. We’d driven through China town, underneath lanterns and past gilded buildings. We were listening to Hall and Oates. You’d taken me on a drive-by to see a house I’d wanted to see in the city for reasons. Continue reading
You’re happier lately than I’ve seen you in months. That job you went for, the one I helped you apply for, you got it. I knew you would. When they called you so fast to set up the interview, I had such a good feeling. And besides, it’s perfect for you.
So this is a giant step for you and I know how hard it was to get to the point where you felt ready to take it. I genuinely couldn’t be happier for you. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of you.
Its been such a weird year, for both of us. Continue reading
I wish you wouldn’t do that. I wish you wouldn’t allude to things but not actually tell me. You know I’m not going to ask. You know I’ll have an inkling and I’ll over think it. And then I might say something back that’s short or comes across as flippant, and you’ll think I’m put off by you and the way you live your life, when actually all I’m put off by is the uneasy feeling people get when they find out something they really didn’t want to.
But I won’t tell you I don’t want to hear it, because the last time I did that, Continue reading
Earlier on tonight you told me you felt as if I was put off by the actual you, versus the you I’ve built up. You said it comes across really quite clearly. For a moment I was anxious we might end up falling out again. But we didn’t.
But, you need to know that you couldn’t have got me more wrong. I’m not put off by you in the slightest. I just don’t like to hear about the women you’re sleeping with when none of those women are me. You can understand that, surely? Continue reading
Do you remember when we walked down the beach and watched the hoards of people playing Pokemon Go? It was the day we spent hanging out in the city, I think. Maybe after we’d been to the Golden Gate Bridge. But there we were, mooching along the seafront, and across the road, by a windmill, of all things, there was crowd of people, eyes down at the screens. A couple of hundred, at least.
I was too absorbed by the Dutch windmill across the road to notice them at first, but you nudged me Continue reading